Christmastime is here

So yeah, my younger friends kindly reminded me that it's not Christmas after I told them in band practice we would be learning some Christmas Carols ...in fact, they said, it's still November. Well, on that point they are right, but my friends, it is indeed Christmas. I had to laugh when I remember that these guys are still in their teens and time doesn't travel so quickly for them as it does for me. Four weeks plus a few days can still seem like an eternity when one is young, but when one is a mom with three kids who have homework and basketball practice, a job, a somewhat serious commitment to exercise, and about 40 "adopted" teenagers to love and care about, time flies. Literally. Four weeks plus a few days is no time at all, and Christmas, for me at least, is here and pressing on me with all it's might.

Not that I mind. I love Christmas. There is a different feel in the air. I used to think that "Christmas Spirit" was manufactured by traditions celebrated in years past, but now I think that it's a real entity, and that the nearness of God is the reason we feel differently at Christmas. For some, that nearness means hope, love, warmth and acceptance. For others, that nearness means despair. They haven't yet learned that the nearness exists to reach out to give hope to the hopeless, light the those in darkness, forgiveness to the guilty.


There are a lot of things I think about at Christmas, and maybe I'll be commited enough to writing throughout this season to get some of those thoughts on paper (virtual paper). Stay tuned.

Until then, you can enjoy Mr. Hicks unbelievably unique and impressive version of "White Christmas"

Tired

I'm tired of seeing people throw their lives away.
I'm tired of seeing them take the resources that are meant for good and use them up on self destruction
I'm tired of seeing people make mistakes, use bad judgment, and lie about it
I'm tired of brokenness.
Tired of my own and tired of everyone else's
Discouragement seems to be my closest companion lately.
I used to be able to focus on the positive, but today the negative is all that's visible
I'm tired of the things we chase to find pleasure
I'm sick to death of watching people so eagerly be deceived.
I feel like I'm inside a glass jar, yelling and banging on the glass walls. I can be seen, but no one can hear me.

If I hear one more story about how someone I love is screwing up his/her life, I might explode.

A word to Comment-eers

Please don't post comments anonymously. I will automatically delete them without reading first. Also, there are several posts on my blog that are of various subjects. Don't let the past few posts deceive you...explore first, make wholesale judgments on the blog later.

What's going on

Marvin Gaye, What's Going On...1970



Lyrics:
Mother, mother
There’s too many of you crying
Brother, brother, brother
There’s far too many of you dying
You know we’ve got to find a way
To bring some lovin’ here today - Ya
Father, father
We don’t need to escalate
You see, war is not the answer
For only love can conquer hate
You know we’ve got to find a way
To bring some lovin’ here today
Picket lines and picket signs
Don’t punish me with brutality
Talk to me, so you can see
Oh, what’s going on
What’s going on
Ya, what’s going on
Ah, what’s going on
In the mean time
Right on, baby
Right on
Right on
Father, father, everybody thinks we’re wrong
Oh, but who are they to judge us
Simply because our hair is long
Oh, you know we’ve got to find a way
To bring some understanding here today
Oh
Picket lines and picket signs
Don’t punish me with brutality
Talk to me
So you can see
What’s going on
Ya, what’s going on
Tell me what’s going on
I’ll tell you what’s going on - Uh
Right on baby
Right on baby

Thanks to Graycharles for posting this today on his site, www.graycharles.com




In 1970, I was three years old. I think more and more often about the times in which I grew up, the social instablity, the political scene, the war. I was sheltered as I grew up, as were most people my age today. I have found it fascinating to look at that time now as an adult and see how the events our country experienced in the late 60’s and 70’s has shaped modern culture today.

And what amazes me even more is how music was then, and is now, a conduit for the thoughts, joys, bewilderment, frustration, etc., of present day man.

Today’s “popular” music to me seems to be a pretty accurate reflection of our self absorption and our greediness, our hedonistic tendencies. While we may lament that “real” music hasn’t been on the scene for a while, I think we need to look long and hard at ourselves first. Pop culture, while it can in some ways be thrust on us and marketed to us, is still and extension of who we are as people.

I think artists like Taylor Hicks, Jack Johnson, Marc Broussard, John Mayer, even controversial artists like the Dixie Chiicks, are finding the spotlight not only because of their talent, but because they are resonating with a population that has begun to soul search…again. And it’s about time. We may not always agree with the message the singer has to communicate, but we can agree that we need to stop living on the surface and start finding meaning in life…all aspects of life, even the arts.

Enjoyed reading the lyrics to this song. They are timeless and were a great catalyst for me to express some things that have been churning in my head for a while.

Must stop...must stop now....

Ah....this must end. But I can't help it...what GREAT photography. Looks like some infrared work to me...or an infrared filter was used in Photoshop. I'm totally jealous of the photographer.





This is my no-longer-a-professional-photographer analysis of this very engaging photo.

Obviously, BW works for Taylor. His coloring begs for it. The cropping is fantastic. I love the open space above him…and he is sitting in an area of the photo that is a strong focal point…lower left hand corner. The curve of the wall that begins in the lower RH corner leads your eye to look directly at his eyes. I don’t think I see anything more than steeliness in those eyes…and that steely stare works very well in grayscale. No malice, no anger, nothing except steady conviction and determination. The way he is dressed works well, too…the lines of the vest give structure to the profile of his body. The dark pants and dark vest are magnets that draw the eye straight to the subject, but not in an overt way. The angle of his arm and leg are a really strong contrast to the curve of the wall. His hand is relaxed on his knee and the fingers are obscured which lets the eye see the strength of the forearm and the back of the hand, rather than focusing on fingers. Great posing. Leaving the wrist band in would have “broken” the wrist and the eye would have been drawn there, rather than following the curve of his arm. The other part that works is that the two darker lines that occur in the background within the trees, also serve to “point” towards Taylor in a very subdued way. Again, that along with the curve are strong points in the overall composition.

That being said, what really works is the perfect moment that this photo was captured. The intensity of the stare, the great angles of the body, the tilt of the head…all captured at precisely the right split second.

Bravo to the photographer. I want to see more.

Well...here we go again

Ha. I promise I won't keep doing this. But here is a marriage made in heaven...B/W loves Taylor Hicks, don't you think?

Brokeness

I've recently been paying more attention to the things we do and the ways we behave. I was drifting off the sleep the other day (yes, a very RARE daytime nap), and all of these thoughts about human behavior and our inherent brokeness came into very sharp focus. Of course, I was nearly asleep and not about to get up and write all of these monumental discoveries down, but I did make a somewhat sleepy mental note to remember all this and write it down sometime in the future.

Needless to say, my thoughts when I tried to retrieve them post-slumber were a little foggy. But I think I have gathered them all back and tamed them down into some semi-coherent statement about broken people and broken behavior.

See, we are all broken. We are all born deficient in some way. It's easy to look at the impoverished, sick, and neglected and say that they are broken. But the most beautiful, the smartest, the most talented, the most charming, and the most anything among us, well they are broken too. We must sense this brokeness somehow, even if we don't communicate it out loud. I say we sense it, because we spend a lot of time, money and effort to fix ourselves.

Deep down inside, we seem to know that we need to feel valuable. Like we matter, like we count. And we go about finding our "niche" and trying to feel accepted. Guys play sports, conquer video games, hunt, etc. Girls spend tons on makeup, hair products, etc. Of course these are generalities, but think about it. If we didn't somehow sense our defiencies, why would we strive for something more...why would we strive for improvement? or victory? Unfortunately, for a lot of people the desire to be "fixed" leads to real problems. Like the girl who gives herself away to any and all guys who ask for it, and the heroin addict, the athlete so consumed with winning that he compromises his health with steroids, the gamer who has no social skills and lives 24/7 in a virtual world, the woman addicted to plastic surgery, the man addicted to porn. The list is endless...the ways we try so desparately to fix ourselves.

I challenge you to look around and see if you think I'm right. It seems like a desparate thing. And it is a desparate thing. Our brokeness won't leave us alone and we can't seem to ignore it.

We all strive to be and do something more because we need a real sense of life. Abundant life.

There is an answer to our brokeness.

Something ugly

I saw something really ugly today.

I saw someone who was really angry, rebellious, and frustrated. That person was angry because change wasn't happening fast enough. Angry because no one would listen, people are stubborn and eyes were closed to the truth. Well, that part isn't so ugly, because Jesus got angry like that too once. But what that anger caused in my friend was ugly. The anger was causing bitterness and a thought process that said "If people would just listen to ME, they would get it right" Then the rebellion set in...my friend is NOT top man on the totem pole...there are people who have authority over her. There are people who are in charge of things that she is not. There are people, whether she agrees with them or not, who have been set in places that carry more power and more authority than the place where she sits. She doesn't think she's being rebellious because she isn't actively protesting and railing against authority.

But the evidence of the rebellion is found in her level of frustration. See what my friend didn't realize is that when you try to fix something that isn't yours to fix, you can't do it. You aren't equipped to do the job right. So in her mind, frustration was there because the problem wasn't being fixed her way. But frustration was really there because she was messing with something she had no business trying to fix. It was subtle but definite rebellion.


You may have already guessed it, but the ugly thing I saw this morning was me. Ick. And trust me,when you see yourself reflected against God's word, God can use the most obscure verse of scripture to gently reveal the chasm that exists between who you are and who He is moving you to be. (That's because it's the LIVING word of God)


What's really cool about me seeing myself this way today was that this truth served not to make me feel guilty, but to free me.(You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free...I think that sounds familiar) It moved me to confess that I am not what I think I am. I am not in charge. I am not in control. God is the owner of all power and authority and He uses that in and through the people he chooses when he chooses. Freedom!!! I am called to do only what he has shown me to do and equipped me to do. Period. What a relief.

Seeing the ugliness today turned into something amazingly beautiful.

The Blues

This is almost too much. Taylor Hicks singing the blues in Atlanta.

Sometimes the depth of emotion can only be expressed through music. Music allows the soul to well up through the entire being...if you can't hear the pain in a man's voice when he sings the blues, then something's missing.

Too much

There is a great scene from the last episode of LOST, Season one, where Shannon is struggling to carry too much luggage through the sand and into the caves. Shannon's brother has just died and she is not only carrying her clothing, but his as well. She's also hanging onto Vincent's leash, Vincent being the dog that 10 year old Walt has left in her care. As Shannon's frustration over carrying her load begins to overwhelm her, Sayid, who is this major rock of calm and strength, goes to help her. After some conversation with Sayid about the fact that she is carrying too much luggage, she looks at him with tears in her eyes and says "It's too much, this plane crash, all if it, it's too much". And in a TV moment that gave me chills, Sayid looks at her and says "It won't be too much if you let me carry it for you"

Whoa.

Either someone who writes for LOST reads the Bible, or the writers are tapping into spiritual truth and they just don't know it. Because Jesus says that his yoke is easy and his burden is light...and to cast our cares on Him. It won't be too much if we let him carry it for us.

I've been carrying a lot lately. I ran two miles this morning and thought of all the people I know who are hurting, me included. And my heart broke. I pretty much broke down in the shower when I realized there is too much for me to fix. It seems like everywhere I turn, someone is hurting. Anxiety, addiction, loss of hope, loss of opportunity, divorce, separation, rebellion, loneliness, brokenness. Pain. Pain. Pain. And I want to fix it all. But I can't.

It's almost suffocating, the need that surrounds us everyday. It's too much.

And Jesus says, "It's not too much if I carry it for you". So, I'm letting go of what I can't change, what I can't fix, what I can't do.

With that being said, I still feel suffocation, but not the panicky type. I think we have to be overwhelmed by need in order to move in a forward direction. There's not much I can really fix, but there is a lot I can do to comfort and encourage, to speak truth and life into people.

So, here's to the writers of LOST for reminding me that there is One who lightens the load.

Fathers be good to your daughters

I'm stealing a line from John Mayer. This happens to be one of my all time favorite songs, ever. I'm amazed every time I hear it at the wisdom it conveys.

I think about my father a lot. He died almost 4 years ago, when my own daughter was nearly three years old. I really loved my father. But the last 9 years of his life were painful for both of us. It wasn't the cancer that killed him that caused us the most pain, either. It's that, I believe, he forgot he still needed to be my father, and I forgot I still needed to honor him as such.

I always knew my father loved me. I really never questioned that he was proud of me. But something changed when he remarried. His wife didn't share the same history that we did. She didn't appreciate the bond, in fact sometimes I wonder if she was jealous, threatened by it. I wonder if I was too much of a reminder that yes, he had been married before, and yes, there was a time in his life that he didn't know her, and yes, I mattered. My brother mattered. Even my mother, his ex-wife, mattered.

In a sense, my father abandoned me in favor of this new life with this new family. He left his post as my defender. He left his post as my biggest cheerleader. And although he had a hard time ever revealing his innermost thoughts to anyone, the times that he would share, well, those came to an end to.

Fathers be good to your daughters.
Daughters will love like you do

It's true, John. You're right. As odd as it seems, I struggle not to draw away from my children in favor of what I want, when I want it. I'm selfish at heart, just like my father was when he chose another life and another family over ours. I struggle not to let gadgets, entertainment, "enrichment", etc become a mother to my children. They need to know me, they need to understand my disappointments with myself, my shortcomings, my triumphs. But more than that, they need me. Real, involved, entertwined with their lives in a way my father never was involved and entertwined with mine. Maybe that's why it was possible for him to leave. The investment in us just wasn't enough to hold him home.

I've forgiven my father for his shortcomings. He really did love me. It's just at times, he loved himself more.

So, my prayer is that I will learn to love like my Father, the One who imagined me in the first place. Sacrificial, transparent, yearning, devoted, compassionate love that knows no boundaries.

Fathers, be good to your daughters.
Daugters will love like you do.
Girls become lovers, who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters, too.
-John Mayer, Daughters

Rings, robes, parties and pig steins

I love the way Jesus told stories.
One of my very favorites is the story of the Prodigal Son. I'm sure the people who heard the story understood a lot more of the cultural significance of that story than I do...what with the ring and the robe and the pig sty (or "pig stein" as one beloved friend calls it). But what's really cool about that story is, regardless of cultural shadings, that story is timeless. And at some point in my life, I've been every character in that story...even the pig.

Right now, I know some prodigals. One has just returned home. Everytime I think of her, I feel exhilarated, knowing that she has returned and is really a daughter of the King (of heaven, not rock and roll, for you Elvis fans out there). One prodigal has just left. He wanted it all NOW, and he left. I hope he avoids the pig steins for a while, but I know that he won't forever. One prodigal reports to me regularly about what is going on in his life. And I'm eternally grateful for that. I love him dearly, and it's amazing that he's on his prodigal journey, but he hasn't cut off ties with some of us left here in the homeland.

The last prodigal I mentioned has taught me something. I used to think that the prodigal son's demanding of his inheritance and leaving was tragic, the sign of a a spoiled, selfish child. In some ways, I still believe that to be true. But I've learned something about that guy...maybe it's not that he was so spoiled and selfish that he had to have HIS way, maybe this move out into the world, this being compelled to independence was necessary. Maybe his whole life, he had served his father well, obeyed him, tried to please him, even took on his father's faith. And maybe he woke up one day and came to the realization that he had the power to please himself...and he left. What if the father anticipated this? He saw it coming. And he wasn't surprised when the son came in and announced what he wanted to do. And amazingly enough, even though the father knew full well what was "out there" and what kind of pain his son might endure, he let him go. Maybe he let him go because he knew it had to happen. The son had to move in some way from pleasing his father because it was expected behavior to pleasing his father because he LOVES his father...no other motivation. And the only way for that to happen was for the kid to move out, please himself, wind up in a pig sty, and come home to a loving, grace filled father who welcomed him like a king. Oh, and let's not forget, the son never quit being the son...he was never cut off from the father's love.

Prodigals have to find out for themselves. They have to cultivate a real, gut wrenching, I-can't live-without-my-Father kind of faith. My faith, their friend's faith, their parent's faith, whoever's faith...someone' else's faith won't do. They can't wear it and pretend it's their own. It has to be theirs. Those prodigals somehow find their way home. And when they do, they find The Father who welcomes them back like royalty and never ever stopped watching for their return.

I used to be a prodigal. I used to be the jealous sibling. And when I was the pig...well, that's another story for another time. Now, it seems, I'm the one watching, anticipating, knowing that someday, the ones I love who are on a prodigal journey will return home to our Father.

So.
Plan the party.
Size the ring.
Dry clean the robe.
And let's wait....

Things on my brain

So this won't be a long one. But sometimes it helps just to get things in writing. Here are some things I believe:

* Self righteousness breeds intolerance and smug pride
* There will be some people in Hell who lived some incredibly upright and moral lives
* Loving God is more important than anything else. More important than ANYTHING else.
* Sometimes we make idols out of some very good things.
* Change comes from the inside but is not of ourselves.
* Loving God causes real change to happen

Psalm 112

So today, I'm in desparate need of some encouragement, and I read through some Psalms (well, skim through is more like it) and I read Psalm 112 from the Message translation. Incredible. What spoke to me most was the part that says a person who fears God is "unfazed by rumor and gossip" and is "relaxed in the presence of their enemies".

So you know how it feels when you think (you know) people have been talking about you behind your back and more than likely they have been saying things that aren't true. That's a horrible feeling. But if I fear God, I will be unfazed by that. In other words, it won't matter. And I can relax in the presence of my enemies. That means that around those people who just don't care for me or have no desire to support me, I don't have to get all riled up and nervous. It's all good because I fear God. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. I really love how the Bible supports itself all the way through.

Anyway, I couldn't ask for more encouragement than what I received today. God is an amazing provider who comes through at the precise moment we are convinced we cannot take anymore. And he turns mourning into dancing.

Other thoughts:
Prayer walking is infinitely cooler than I imagined
ARBC youth are blowing me away
My kids were a blast at a wedding reception
God is good
God is good
God is amazingly good.

" I" in the sky

Have you ever tried to get through the day, or even just 30 minutes without saying "I " , or "me" or "mine" or "my"? It is literally impossible. "I" have some thoughts on that...and of course, being the human being that I am, I think that what I have to say, you need to hear (shameless)

I guess since we live inside ourselves and no one else resides with us from the start, it bcomes very easy to let the world revolve around numero uno. We think we have it right, we think we know it all, we want what we want, when we want it, we think everyone should conform to what we say, do, ask for, and think. And I am saying "we" hear because it is really too painful to admit that I am guilty of doing these things and thinking this way.
God is intimately familiar with our selfishness.
There is a story about a rich young man who came to Jesus and wanted to know how to enter the Kingdom of God. Jesus tells him that he needs to follow the commandments...in other words, do the right thing. I think Jesus tells him this because he is fully aware of what the young man"s answer is going to be. And, the young man delivers when he says he has followed the law, all of his life (sure he has) Anyway, Jesus says good, then. Go out and sell all you have and give the proceeds to the poor and take care of them for the rest of your life. And the young man turned and walked away. See, here is where the selfishness part comes in. I do not think the young man was so attached to his stuff that he could not part with it. I think that Jesus was really saying, "Let go of yourself and all you hope to do and accomplish and let me take over...let me live in you..." Selfishness is a very very powerful thing. Apparently, the cost of heaven was too high.
Here is the way I see it. We do reside here alone inside ourselves UNLESS we allow Jesus in. He is the only one capable of entering and changing us from the inside out...changing us from selfish to selfless. It is fairly simple to understand, but incredibly hard to carry out because, like I said, we cannot go thirty minutes without a reference to ourselves. The rich young man had mastered righteousness in the sense the he was capable of doing the right thing, but "right" is not the same as real righteousness. If we make ourselves "right", then who needs Jesus?

The letting go of self, the grasping of the Holy Spirit....

The opposite of love is selfishness. 1 Cor. 13...look it up.

(and for those of you who are very observant, you will realize that I did not use contractions at all in this blog...not because I was attempting to make some great literary statement, but because my apostrophe key is not cooperating. Selfish thing.)

And the photo above is of a rat. Draw your own conclusions as to why I included a photo of a rat.

Great minds

So, it's nearly midnight and I'm finally doing something that I've been meaning to do for a while. It's a blog. That I control. This should be fun.

There is too much on my mind these days. Way too much. My thoughts weigh me down and I spend more time distracted by musings on past conversations and outrageous statements than I should. Don't you hate it when you think of the perfect thing to say well after the opportunity to say it has passed? Ugh. At any rate, I can't solve the problems I'm dealing with. I just need to figure out how to operate within them without losing my sanity.

Grace is something I think about a lot at times like this. It's grace that allows us life, whether we acknowledge our Creator or not. It's grace that allows us to think, to speak, to act. And so much of what we think, speak, and act like is so ridiculous...but we think we are smart and have it all figured out. And grace is somewhere buzzing around in the background when it should be at the forefront of our thoughts...tattooed on our foreheads. Grace is not something that should ever ever be in the background. Grace there is not important enough for us to seek out, to allow to change us. But grace in the forefront is when we begin to understand it and begin to extend it, and it becomes life support. There is only one source of real grace. And it's the same source as real life. Grace, life, abundance. Wow.

So, there is no need for me to rehash conversations and wish I had said the clever life changing thing at the precise right moment. Grace covers more than I could ever fix.