Something ugly

I saw something really ugly today.

I saw someone who was really angry, rebellious, and frustrated. That person was angry because change wasn't happening fast enough. Angry because no one would listen, people are stubborn and eyes were closed to the truth. Well, that part isn't so ugly, because Jesus got angry like that too once. But what that anger caused in my friend was ugly. The anger was causing bitterness and a thought process that said "If people would just listen to ME, they would get it right" Then the rebellion set in...my friend is NOT top man on the totem pole...there are people who have authority over her. There are people who are in charge of things that she is not. There are people, whether she agrees with them or not, who have been set in places that carry more power and more authority than the place where she sits. She doesn't think she's being rebellious because she isn't actively protesting and railing against authority.

But the evidence of the rebellion is found in her level of frustration. See what my friend didn't realize is that when you try to fix something that isn't yours to fix, you can't do it. You aren't equipped to do the job right. So in her mind, frustration was there because the problem wasn't being fixed her way. But frustration was really there because she was messing with something she had no business trying to fix. It was subtle but definite rebellion.


You may have already guessed it, but the ugly thing I saw this morning was me. Ick. And trust me,when you see yourself reflected against God's word, God can use the most obscure verse of scripture to gently reveal the chasm that exists between who you are and who He is moving you to be. (That's because it's the LIVING word of God)


What's really cool about me seeing myself this way today was that this truth served not to make me feel guilty, but to free me.(You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free...I think that sounds familiar) It moved me to confess that I am not what I think I am. I am not in charge. I am not in control. God is the owner of all power and authority and He uses that in and through the people he chooses when he chooses. Freedom!!! I am called to do only what he has shown me to do and equipped me to do. Period. What a relief.

Seeing the ugliness today turned into something amazingly beautiful.

The Blues

This is almost too much. Taylor Hicks singing the blues in Atlanta.

Sometimes the depth of emotion can only be expressed through music. Music allows the soul to well up through the entire being...if you can't hear the pain in a man's voice when he sings the blues, then something's missing.

Too much

There is a great scene from the last episode of LOST, Season one, where Shannon is struggling to carry too much luggage through the sand and into the caves. Shannon's brother has just died and she is not only carrying her clothing, but his as well. She's also hanging onto Vincent's leash, Vincent being the dog that 10 year old Walt has left in her care. As Shannon's frustration over carrying her load begins to overwhelm her, Sayid, who is this major rock of calm and strength, goes to help her. After some conversation with Sayid about the fact that she is carrying too much luggage, she looks at him with tears in her eyes and says "It's too much, this plane crash, all if it, it's too much". And in a TV moment that gave me chills, Sayid looks at her and says "It won't be too much if you let me carry it for you"

Whoa.

Either someone who writes for LOST reads the Bible, or the writers are tapping into spiritual truth and they just don't know it. Because Jesus says that his yoke is easy and his burden is light...and to cast our cares on Him. It won't be too much if we let him carry it for us.

I've been carrying a lot lately. I ran two miles this morning and thought of all the people I know who are hurting, me included. And my heart broke. I pretty much broke down in the shower when I realized there is too much for me to fix. It seems like everywhere I turn, someone is hurting. Anxiety, addiction, loss of hope, loss of opportunity, divorce, separation, rebellion, loneliness, brokenness. Pain. Pain. Pain. And I want to fix it all. But I can't.

It's almost suffocating, the need that surrounds us everyday. It's too much.

And Jesus says, "It's not too much if I carry it for you". So, I'm letting go of what I can't change, what I can't fix, what I can't do.

With that being said, I still feel suffocation, but not the panicky type. I think we have to be overwhelmed by need in order to move in a forward direction. There's not much I can really fix, but there is a lot I can do to comfort and encourage, to speak truth and life into people.

So, here's to the writers of LOST for reminding me that there is One who lightens the load.

Fathers be good to your daughters

I'm stealing a line from John Mayer. This happens to be one of my all time favorite songs, ever. I'm amazed every time I hear it at the wisdom it conveys.

I think about my father a lot. He died almost 4 years ago, when my own daughter was nearly three years old. I really loved my father. But the last 9 years of his life were painful for both of us. It wasn't the cancer that killed him that caused us the most pain, either. It's that, I believe, he forgot he still needed to be my father, and I forgot I still needed to honor him as such.

I always knew my father loved me. I really never questioned that he was proud of me. But something changed when he remarried. His wife didn't share the same history that we did. She didn't appreciate the bond, in fact sometimes I wonder if she was jealous, threatened by it. I wonder if I was too much of a reminder that yes, he had been married before, and yes, there was a time in his life that he didn't know her, and yes, I mattered. My brother mattered. Even my mother, his ex-wife, mattered.

In a sense, my father abandoned me in favor of this new life with this new family. He left his post as my defender. He left his post as my biggest cheerleader. And although he had a hard time ever revealing his innermost thoughts to anyone, the times that he would share, well, those came to an end to.

Fathers be good to your daughters.
Daughters will love like you do

It's true, John. You're right. As odd as it seems, I struggle not to draw away from my children in favor of what I want, when I want it. I'm selfish at heart, just like my father was when he chose another life and another family over ours. I struggle not to let gadgets, entertainment, "enrichment", etc become a mother to my children. They need to know me, they need to understand my disappointments with myself, my shortcomings, my triumphs. But more than that, they need me. Real, involved, entertwined with their lives in a way my father never was involved and entertwined with mine. Maybe that's why it was possible for him to leave. The investment in us just wasn't enough to hold him home.

I've forgiven my father for his shortcomings. He really did love me. It's just at times, he loved himself more.

So, my prayer is that I will learn to love like my Father, the One who imagined me in the first place. Sacrificial, transparent, yearning, devoted, compassionate love that knows no boundaries.

Fathers, be good to your daughters.
Daugters will love like you do.
Girls become lovers, who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters, too.
-John Mayer, Daughters